


Too Little Too Late

by youdontknowmelmao



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, But he's trying, Exes, Foster Care, Funeral, Grief/Mourning, Guilt, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Childhood Sexual Abuse, M/M, Mentions of Cancer, Remus Lupin Needs a Hug, Sirius Black Being an Asshole, This Is Sad, alternative universe, like proper sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-17
Updated: 2021-03-17
Packaged: 2021-03-25 19:53:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,542
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30094269
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/youdontknowmelmao/pseuds/youdontknowmelmao
Summary: It’s been 17 years since Sirius Black walked out on Remus Lupin.It’s been 15 years since Sirius came out to James Potter.It’s been 5 years since Sirius came clean that he had been in a secret relationship with Remus for 4 years in university.It’s been 3 years since James asked Sirius if he was still in love with Remus.It’s been 2 since Sirius admitted that it was true.It’s been a year since the two of them managed to find out where he lived.And now he's driving to give a long overdue apology - but is it all too little too late?
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 10
Kudos: 38





	Too Little Too Late

**Author's Note:**

> okay so a couple of warnings for ya:  
> \- first of all there are brief mentions of implied childhood sexual assault/rape. It's only a mention and mostly implied but it's quite upsetting and the warning is definitely necessary.   
> \- second there's a lot of grief and mourning in this  
> \- basically this is really fucking sad and rated M just for some adult themes, language and the fact that it's really fucking sad. be kind to yourselves before reading but I hope you enjoy anyway!

It’s with a tight knot in his stomach that Sirius notices how similar everything in this area of town is. As James drives down the cobbled streets and council houses, the sick nostalgic feeling churns relentlessly inside of him.

It used to be the memories of his family that were the driving force behind his desire to leave but now the desire to never return was born of guilt from the man he’d let down far too many times before.

And now, he remembers why.

As they drive passed the church where Remus had kissed him for the first time Sirius notices the tree still stands there. There’s no blossom on it this time, no warm summers breeze in the gloom of winter. The tree is bare of leaves, grey and intimidating with ugly knots and lumps that Sirius has never seen before. There’s nothing romantic about the church in this light. The sky is cold and grey and the rain spits down angrily onto the windshield, so aggressively Sirius almost wonders if the glass is going to break.

Sirius closes his eyes, in part to fight back the tears forcing their way past his eyelashes and in part to remember that day. The boys had known each other for 3 weeks, having taken to each other immediately. Sirius hadn’t really understood why he was so drawn to Remus, why he felt giddy when Remus laughed at his jokes or why his face felt hot when Remus would crawl into his bed at night when Sirius had a nightmare.

It had been in June when the two found their way under the blossom tree in the corner of the church yard. The sun warm in the sky, soft light streaming through the pink petals that fell gently onto the two boys who lay on the grass, red faced and out of breath from running. Sirius doesn’t remember what they had been talking about, but he remembers that moment just before.

He had said something that made Remus laugh and oh god that laugh. Even after all these years, Sirius is sure he’s never heard anything quite as wonderful as that laugh. Sometimes he wonders if that’s why he ended up as a sound engineer for film and tv, chasing to find something as melodic or magical as the sound that brought so much lightness to a period in his life that was so dark.

Either way, Remus had laughed, and Sirius had just smiled dopily as he watched Remus’ floppy brown curls shake, the indents of the dimples on his skin that was golden in the setting summer sun and the crease of his eyes as the other boy’s shoulders shook. Then, all of a sudden, Remus wasn’t laughing any more. His amber eyes gazing deep into Sirius’ grey ones and Sirius’ breath had caught, wondering if Remus could see into his soul and thinking that actually that might not be so bad. And then Remus had kissed him.

It had been soft and sweet, oh so sweet, and slow and Sirius had almost cried when he realised that _this_ was what it was supposed to feel like. Kissing was supposed to give you chills, make you feel like you were floating and shut out everything around you because all that mattered was you and the soft push of lips against your own. It was so much better than any of the girls he had been forced to kiss by his family and Sirius never ever wanted to stop.

But what was almost better than the kiss was when they pulled apart and Sirius saw Remus biting nervously down on his lip, a deep pink flush to his cheeks and a hope in his eyes as he looked back and forth between Sirius’ eyes. In that moment, Sirius saw the vulnerability that he had been trying to find in Remus since the moment he got to the home. There was a crack in his strong shell, a crack only for Sirius to see and Sirius was so overwhelmed with sheer adoration for the adorable teen in front of him that he promised to himself he would protect Remus with everything he had as he pulled him in again for a kiss.

It’s a memory that stings more and more the longer Sirius stops to think about it, about how he broke that promise on more than one occasion.

It’s been 17 years since Sirius walked out on Remus, but not a day goes by where he doesn’t think of him. Not that that makes it any better he supposes. And he’s right, no matter what James says to soothe him. There are no excuses for his behaviour, not really. Remus had stood by his side after Regulus died, put up with the anger and the heartache, the depression and the mania, the yelling and the crying. Remus had waited so infuriatingly patiently for Sirius, was so understanding and loving that Sirius had almost resented him at the end of it.

He’s aware that it’s a ridiculous thing to think, but he doesn’t know how else to explain it. It would have been fine, to resent, if that was when he had decided to dip. But he didn’t. Sirius knows now (thanks to a lot of very expensive therapy) that he had just been too scared to let Remus love him, to let himself love Remus. So instead, he had cheated a couple of times and he’s sure that Remus can’t have known, he hopes so. But he has an awful suspicion that Remus did and just didn’t say anything but that thought makes Sirius feel sick, so he doesn’t entertain it for more than a few seconds.

Sirius only cheated three times, not that that makes it any better mind you, and each time left him feeling emptier than the last before he finally realised that Remus was the only one he would ever want. A year later Remus had gotten sick, and it was awful, no one knew what it was and after six frustrating months of doctors’ visits and experimental drugs, Sirius had walked out. He had only wanted a break, and Remus, of course, didn’t want to tie him down. But then the break never ended, and Sirius hopes and prays that Remus didn’t wait for him, but he knows the answer, so he turns up the music and rubs his eyes roughly.

There is no time for self-pity, not today. Today he is going to see Remus and he hopes with everything he has that Remus will shout at him, that he’ll kick and scream and tell Sirius what an utter cunt he has been. Because if he takes Sirius’ apology and declaration of affection with graceful understanding and a sorrowful nod of the head then Sirius doesn’t know if he can take it. He knows Remus deserves better than him, he knows that there is nothing he can do to take back all of the things they never spoke about, but he has to try.

Because the worst thing about all of this is that Sirius knows Remus has never thought anyone really cared about him. He knows that Remus never ever knew how important he was to all of those kids in the care home when they were younger, or the multitude of students at university he crossed paths with. Remus never knew how loved he was, least of all by Sirius. Sirius hopes now he would have some idea, that now he knows the effect he had on the world, how much light he brought into the lives of everyone he ever met.

Sirius thinks this must be true, it would be too heart breaking for it to not be the case, but it’s been so long and Sirius needs him to know how much he meant to _him._ He needs to tell Remus that he loves him utterly and completely and that he’s never been more convinced that God is real and angels exist than when Remus is next to him. He needs Remus to know that it didn’t go unappreciated that when Sirius’ world was filled with suffocating darkness, that Remus harnessed the sun and held it in his hand to lead Sirius out of the murky depths and back into the real world. Sirius needs Remus to know that he has always been his sun, he was just too young and stupid to realise it at the time.

It’s been 15 years since Sirius came out to James, who of course took it in his stride. Well, if by ‘in his stride’ you mean ‘looked baffled as if it was obvious and then admitted to having hooked up with Caradoc Dearborn for 6 months when they were in university’, then that’s exactly what James did.

It’s been 10 years since Sirius told James about Remus. But only about how they had met at Carrow’s Care Home before the Potter’s scooped him up, how Remus was the one who made it bearable, how Remus was how he realised he was gay. About how Remus was just a pure ray of fucking sunshine and Sirius really could have got him out of that hell hole.

When Sirius had first arrived with Regulus, the two had stuck out like a sore thumb. The rest of the kids in the home were working class and a lot rougher round the edges than the Black siblings with their expensive clothes, posh accents, and aristocratic features. Remus didn’t care though, greeting them both with a sunny smile and enthusiastic handshake. Sirius had noted how Remus didn’t try to hug them at first meeting unlike most people but gave them space and let them set the parameters for their affection.

It was always going to be temporary, the Carrow’s. The Potter’s already had plans to take in Sirius and Reggie after they had finally been taken away from their parents, but there was a lot more paperwork and legal battles than anticipated before the adoption could go through.

That hadn’t mattered so much though, with Remus by his side. It was clear that Remus was the most loved of all the kids at the home, at least by the kids who inhabited it. There was trouble from a group of boys led by a kid named Tom who was particularly unpleasant, he had a following of vulnerable and angry boys that could be easily manipulated by Tom’s charms. They always gave Remus a lot of hassle, but Remus stood above it constantly, protecting his own.

Remus was always looking out for everyone but himself. Most kids came to him rather than the staff when they were upset, Remus was soothing and loving and everything they were missing from their parents. No matter the time of night, the type of problem or the amount of homework Remus had to get through, he was always available to whoever and whenever. Sirius reckons that he would have been jealous if he weren’t so in awe of the selflessness that to this day, he hasn’t been able to replicate. It also helped that he found himself sharing a bed with Remus more often than not in those couple of months.

Maybe that’s why he didn’t feel like he needed to get Remus out, because Remus seemed so intune with everyone that it felt like he was meant to be there. Now, Sirius realises that Remus was just as damaged as the rest of them, if not more, just didn’t know how to let anyone else look after him, or just didn’t want to. Either way, Sirius could have, should have, got him out of there. But he didn’t.

When the news about what Amycus Carrow had been doing behind closed doors came out, Sirius had realised how much Remus had gone through for the sake of protecting others. He spent three days throwing up at the news, memories that before seemed so insignificant suddenly making his insides churn. James told him that he was a kid, he doesn’t have to keep punishing himself for things that happened when he was younger and there was no way he could have known. But at that point, James really didn’t have the whole story did he.

It’s been 7 years since Sirius admitted to what he had seen the day before he left Carrow’s, the day Euphemia had asked him if he had any friends that he thought needed a home as well. She had left him with the choice, Sirius wondered how she had known he had grown attached to someone so tightly in his time at the Carrow’s. But Sirius had been selfish. He wanted a loving home; James was his friend from school and the Potter’s knew him and wanted him. He didn’t want to share that with anyone, not even Remus.

He had gone to tell Remus the good news when he had watched some of the older boys giving Remus trouble. Sirius had stood and watched as they jeered, Remus standing protectively in front of one of the smaller kids. Sirius had watched as they began to shove him, kicking and dragging him into a hidden alcove in the courtyard. Sirius had listened as they snarled and sneered, slurs thrown around and threats of violence that Sirius had no reason to believe they would do it. Sirius had stopped listening when he heard the unbuckling of a belt and the muffled cries of his friend hidden out of view.

Sirius had turned on his heel and ran to his room to pack. That night when Remus had stumbled into their shared room, Sirius had pretended to be asleep. Pretended not to hear when Remus whispered his name or when the other boy cried himself to sleep that night. Sirius didn’t even say goodbye the next day when the Potter’s came to get him, he didn’t know what he could say, let alone if he could say anything. So, he left without a second glance.

There’s nothing therapy can do to assuage the guilt of that memory. No matter how many therapists assure him that he was just a kid, and that really given the reality of how the home was run it was unlikely that his intervention would have led to any better results, Sirius can’t alleviate the shame. He doesn’t really want to; he knows he doesn’t deserve to. The things the therapists say are true, Sirius is aware of this. But he knows that something would have been better than nothing. Anything would have been batter than nothing.

It’s been 5 years since Sirius came clean that he had been in a secret relationship with Remus for 4 years in university, James hadn’t taken to that revelation too kindly. Understandably hurt by the fact that Sirius had never confided in James about this before, James was furious more about what that had meant for Remus. Remus who, it is important to point out, James never met.

Whenever James came to visit from Durham, Remus kept his distance for days on end. When at Regulus’ funeral, Remus hovered at the back in a show of support but made very sure not to draw attention to himself. When at graduation, the Potter’s had all come down to celebrate and Remus had not been invited to the proceedings, even just as a friend.

It was this confession that led to two weeks of radio silence between the brothers. Eventually, James came around and they talked for almost 12 hours nonstop about it. Sirius was able to finally explain to someone that it wasn’t just because Sirius was insecure in his sexuality and working through a lot of internalised homophobia that he hid Remus from the Potter’s. It was also because he felt guilty. Flaunting the life and family and love that he had found, a love that he knew Remus had never had the opportunity to truly find. A family that Sirius had the opportunity many years ago to invite Remus into. A life that made Sirius’ life so much easier than Remus’ in so many ways that Sirius would never really get over the guilt. It was shitty and awful and cruel, but it had felt like the right thing to do.

It’s only when talking to James, Sirius realised how little he really knew Remus. They never spoke about what happened with Riddle, Sirius not wanting to bring it up and admit his guilt and Remus never seemed to want to talk about it. So Sirius never asked why he wasn’t allowed to fuck Remus, because he knew. Looking back he hates how grateful Remus had been that Sirius never asked, looked at Sirius like the sun shone out of his arse at how understanding his boyfriend was. And Sirius wonders if that’s why he never asked because he liked seeming like the tolerant one for a change.

This isn’t true of course, but Sirius has given himself too much credit in the past so now he makes up for it now with not giving himself enough. It’s not healthy but it’s something.

The reason he never asked is because to speak it onto existence made it real and Sirius was just so in love that to hear Remus say it, to confirm it would have broken him. He didn’t know how to navigate the situation, so he let Remus take the lead, let Remus decide when he wanted to talk about it because if he had Sirius would have listened. But Remus never did and Sirius didn’t have the heart to make him.

He knows that he still wouldn’t today, but also knows he likely won’t get the opportunity.

It’s been 3 years since James asked Sirius if he was still in love with Remus.

It’s been 2 since Sirius admitted that it was true.

It’s been a year since the two of them managed to find out where he lived.

And now Sirius sits in the car, tapping his feet nervously and trying to fight back tears as they drive through the dead streets that he used to run through with Remus, past alleyways where kisses were stolen and trees that were climbed so hands could be held in secret.

“Do you reckon we should have called ahead?” Sirius asks, biting at his fingernails. He’s never done that before.

“You said you didn’t want to. In case he refused to see you” James says, swatting his hand to stop Sirius from biting his fingers.

“He might still do that” Sirius points out glumly.

“He might, but at least he’ll see you came. There’s no effort in a phone call” James glances towards Sirius and gives him a sad smile. “From what you’ve told me of him, I reckon he’ll be happy to see you. Even if you don’t deserve it”

Sirius groans but he knows James is right. Both that Remus will probably welcome him tentatively into his arms and that Sirius doesn’t deserve that.

“This doesn’t feel right” Sirius mumbles as he watches the rain splatter against the windows.

“It’s okay to be nervous mate” James soothes “We’re almost there, just sit tight”

Sirius wants to say that it’s not just nerves. Two days ago he got a feeling in his stomach that something wasn’t, lurched from his sleep in a cold sweat and a lump in his throat that hasn’t left since. The rain feels like an omen, that Remus is going to be less than happy at the sight of Sirius on his doorstep, that this is all too little too late.

But at least it’s something, Sirius reminds himself as James turns up a street with small uniform cottages running along either side. Sirius knows the house before James pulls up in front of it.

It’s better kept than the other run-down houses on the street, a clumsily trimmed hedge and pristine red door. As James parks in front of the cottage, Sirius notices the rainbow sticker in the window and the pile of old books stacked on the windowsill. There are lace curtains so he can’t see into the living room, but the lights are on and Sirius’ chest tightens as he sees the shadow of a figure walking past the window.

He’s brought out of his trance as James squeezes his hand before undoing his seatbelt. They sit for a while in the car, Sirius’ head spinning with all of the possible outcomes of this meeting and suddenly he can’t make himself move because once he knocks on that door, there is no turning back.

After 5 minutes of driving himself crazy, the two men step out into the rain and make their way to the door. The walk is too slow yet too fast and Sirius tries to calm himself by taking in his surroundings.

The garden looks well-tended to, even in the downpour and, oddly, the fence and hedge are lined with a mass of flowers. Bouquets of all of the colours of the rainbow lying drenched on the floor, the cards tied to the bottom mostly turned to mush as they make their way up the stone path. Sirius almost bends down to read one of the cards but decides that can wait.

He stands at the door, staring at it for an indeterminable amount of time before James places a hand on his shoulder.

With a deep breath he knocks loudly on the door, flinching at the loud noise and hoping it doesn’t sound angry. He hears some muffled swearing from inside and a crash and his heart rate quickens.

Suddenly, he has no idea what to say, no idea wat he’s doing there, and he wants to run and run and run and just forget all about this. But he’s almost 40 now and he’s been running for years, trying to forget and it clearly hasn’t worked so he stays.

He hears the flick of the lock and the wind is already knocked out of him before the door has even opened, ready to pounce and envelop Remus in the tightest hug he can and never ever let him go.

And then he’s 15 years old again, standing on creaky floorboards outside a crooked wooden door with chipped paint with one hand on his suitcase and the other holding onto his little brother so tightly he’s impressed that Reg hasn’t winced at all.

The door opens and it’s Remus and he’s 15 years old and just as adorable as ever with his sunshine smile and skinny arms who takes them both under his arm and Sirius into his heart.

The door opens and it’s Remus and he’s 18 when Sirius tracked him down at university and was two words into his apology before Remus had flung himself into his arms and snogged him senseless against the door.

The door opens and it’s Remus at 20 when Sirius came home drunk after Regulus’ wake, Remus who ran him a bath and cradled him in his arms all night and actually apologised to Sirius for not being at the wake even though it’s Sirius who ordered against it.

Except that the door opens and it’s not Remus at 15 or 18 or 20 or even Remus at 39 because it’s not Remus standing in the doorway. Sirius thinks they’ve got the wrong door for a moment as he stares back at the woman in the doorway but by the look of recognition on her face he can tell they’ve got the right house.

She stares at the two men on the doorstep for a moment before a voice calls out from the kitchen, but its still not Remus’ voice but another woman saying “Marls? Who is it?”

That seems to spur the woman (Marls) into action, and she is suddenly ushering Sirius and James inside.

“How did you get here so quick?” Marls asks as she looks apprehensively at the two of them, dripping in the hallway from their drenched clothes. There is no time to ask what on earth she means by that before another woman comes through from the living room.

She has much the same shocked expression as she looks at Sirius but recovers far quicker than Marls as she begins to fuss over them.

“For fucks sake Marlene, invite them in would ya? Grab them a couple of towels from the bathroom and behave” She slaps Marlene on the arm gently before turning to the two men “You two are absolutely soaked, you can hang up your coats on the hook over there and I’ll go put the kettle on. You two settle down on the couch”

The woman bustles them into the living room once they’ve removed their jackets and she heads into the kitchen where she is just visible form the sofa. Sirius looks confused towards James who just shrugs and settles back into the cushions, probably tired from the drive.

This wasn’t what Sirius was expecting, but at least he wasn’t kicked to the curb and has so far avoided a punch to the face so it’s promising. He wonders when Remus will be back and also why there are two women in his house, assuming this is actually where he lives.

For a moment he wonders if they’ve actually just stumbled into a mad house and these two women actually have no idea who Remus is, and he and James are about to get murdered. As he assesses potential weapons and escape routes, he sees a photo hidden on the bookshelf and his heart stops. From the couch he knows exactly what photo it is and he knows that they are in the right place.

It’s the photo taken three years before Sirius walked out, when Reg was still alive and Remus and he were at their happiest. Sirius had driven them back here from university for their one-year anniversary and they’d gone for a picnic underneath their blossom tree and Sirius had asked him to move in with him. He doesn’t get up to look at the photo because he can’t bear to see the way he knows Remus is gazing at him in that picture. Sirius still has the photo, of course he does, but he doesn’t trust himself to have it on his phone and it’s hidden at the bottom of a drawer in his desk. It’s hidden at the bottom of a drawer because Sirius can’t bear to look at how much Remus adored him, how much he knows now he was not deserving of the love that man had to give him. It hurts too much.

He doesn’t realise he’s been staring for a good minute now when Marlene walks in and unceremoniously chucks two towels at he and James.

“Thanks, sorry if we are intruding” James says kindly, ever the charmer as Marlene stands with her arms crossed, watching Sirius’ every move.

“It’s fine, really. I’m just surprised that’s all” Marlene replies and there’s something glossy about her eyes that Sirius can’t put his finger on and before James can inevitably say something about how they are just as surprised or something else ridiculous Marlene comes out with something even more cryptic “We only sent out the invitation the other day and didn’t realise it would have made it to you so quick. He didn’t think you’d come; I don’t really want you to if I’m honest, but Dorcas said it was the right thing to do.”

Sirius and James share a confused look but before they can ask what invitation she’s talking about there’s a choked sob from the kitchen and Marlene is rushing to the other woman (Dorcas).

“I-I’m s-sorry” Dorcas hiccups as Marlene wraps her arms around her, pulling her into a tight embrace.

“Don’t apologise baby, there’s nothing to apologise for” Marlene’s voice breaks a little as she speaks, and Sirius can’t see but he’s pretty sure she’s about to cry too.

“I-I was m-making the t-t-tea a-and” Dorcas takes a deep breath to steady herself and James looks just as confused and concerned as Sirius feels “I p-pulled out the m-mug that I gave him for Christmas and I r-rememb-bered”

Suddenly the lump in Sirius’ throat grows three sizes and the knot in his stomach drops as it twists uncontrollably as he imagines the worst. He knows he isn’t breathing when James puts a hand on his shoulder, but he doesn’t care because he’s just trying to keep a level head and remind himself that there’s no point jumping to conclusions, there is no way that this is happening because he’s waited too long and the-

“Where’s Remus?” Sirius blurts out and he knows how pathetic he sounds but he doesn’t care.

A silence falls over the room as the two tear-stained women turn to look at him, Dorcas wearing an expression of horror and Marlene of shocked pity and now Sirius doesn’t want to know the answer to his question. He gets it anyway as Dorcas brings a hand to her mouth and sobs properly behind it and Marlene’s face softens. James takes his hand as Marlene sits in the armchair opposite. Sirius pretends not to notice how Dorcas won’t sit in the other chair, the armchair that looks more worn out with books resting on the table next to it, and chooses to sit on the arm of the chair Marlene is sitting in. He knows who sits in the other chair, or at least he has a feeling he knows who doesn’t sit there anymore.

And then Marlene is talking, and Dorcas is sobbing, and James is squeezing his hand and Sirius can’t hear any of it because he’s too late.

None of the explanations matter because he’s too late and he doesn’t have the right to have his heart shattering in his chest. He doesn’t have the right to feel like the floor has been taking out beneath him and he’s falling and falling and falling. He doesn’t have the right to cry but he can’t stop himself.

It feels like it comes from nowhere but then it comes and his whole body is shaking as he sobs. The sofa moves and unfamiliar arms wrap around him. He tenses for a moment before he realises that they are crying too and so they sit together and it isn’t just sobbing anymore, they are wailing. Normally Sirius would feel embarrassed about the noises that are escaping his lips but it feels like the only release of the pain in his chest.

After a while, the weeping slows down and he starts to get his breathing back to normal. Sirius looks up into Dorcas’ big brown eyes and he lets out another sob because now he can see the redness in her eyes and the way her skin is slightly darker beneath them that shows she hasn’t slept in days. She just gives him a watery smile and pushes a strand of hair behind his ear.

“Marlene’s talking to your friend, thought you could use a cry” Dorcas smiles but her voice wobbles.

Sirius doesn’t know what to say and it seems neither does Dorcas, so they hold each other. It doesn’t feel as strange as it should, Sirius takes a while to ease up to affection with others, but it seems that the two of them have bonded over a loss that neither of them seems to understand right now. It’s an awful comfort, but it’s a comfort, nonetheless.

Sirius isn’t sure how long they have sat there when James comes through with his coat and lifts him up to leave. Marlene gives Sirius a tight smile but doesn’t go to hug him when she opens the door, chatting to James a little more about the details of the funeral.

“Don’t mind Marls, she’s just grieving in her own way” Dorcas says quietly as she slips an arm around Sirius’ waist “She’s fiercely protective that one but don’t let her get to you, she doesn’t mean to be rude”

“I think she does” Sirius sighs in an attempt to keep it light.

It seems to have worked because Dorcas lets out a wet laugh and says “Yes I suppose she does but ignore her.” There is a pause for a moment “If you want tomorrow the two of us could go for a walk? It’s a lot to take in all at once and I thought maybe you’d like to talk about him to someone who really knew him”

Sirius looks at her and she reminds him of Remus in that moment because he knows he doesn’t deserve her kindness and she’s giving it to him anyway. The gentle and loving look in her eyes is all too familiar and he has to look away, but he nods, not trusting his voice.

She tells him where to meet her and then he’s in the car and then he’s in a bed above a pub that he remembers they used to walk past and then he’s crying again. And there’s no words that James can say to make this better, so he doesn’t say anything and just holds Sirius until he falls asleep.

And of course, when Sirius sleeps he dreams of Remus.

* * *

It would have been easier if it had been a nightmare, Sirius thinks as he waits downstairs for Dorcas in a booth. It would have been easier if the dream he had last night had been about losing Remus or Remus hating him. But instead, he dreamt about loving him. He dreamt about the blossom tree and having Remus in his arms and long languid kisses that didn’t need to be hurried because they had all of the time in the world.

It was a horrible dream because when Sirius woke that morning, he forgot for a blissful 30 seconds that they hadn’t reconciled. That they couldn’t because Remus was gone and then Sirius was crying again and punching the mattress beneath him and wishing it were him. Whether he wishes it was him who they were burying tomorrow or him he was punching he isn’t sure, but it took him two hours to calm down and get ready to meet Dorcas for lunch.

When she arrives, Sirius sees a number of patrons give her sad looks and long hugs before she makes it to the table and Sirius can feel himself losing his resolve already. She gives him a fierce hug and he can tell she is in the same boat.

They sit and order in silence, it’s not uncomfortable but there is a tension in the air that Sirius can’t ignore.

“He’d have ordered Earl Grey if he was here, could never stand coffee the snob” Dorcas says with a laugh eventually when their coffee has arrived.

“Yeah… He always used to kick up a fuss at how awful it smelt but always fixed me a cup in the morning anyway” Sirius smiles and then immediately remembers why he shouldn’t be smiling so stops and frowns at the saltshaker on the table.

There’s another silence as they both take long laboured drinks from their mugs. Sirius wonders if Dorcas’ is also too hot and figures it probably is, she is just also using the burn to punish herself for being here when Remus can’t be.

“When I sent the invitation to the funeral, Marls didn’t think you’d come” Dorcas says, and Sirius is surprised they’ve got straight to it.

“I didn’t get it” Sirius replies softly because he knows she knows this but wants to encourage her along because he can feel her hesitating.

“I knew you’d come; just didn’t think you’d get here on time. It’s the worst kind of coincidence that you showed up when you did. Too late but too early all the same” Dorcas says but she isn’t looking at him. Sirius can’t say anything because he really doesn’t want to know how many days too late he was, how much time they could have had if he’d got his shit together sooner.

“I didn’t send out many invites - God it’s awful saying invitation isn’t it? I know that’s what it is technically, but it doesn’t feel like a party or a celebration. That’s what people call it isn’t it? In an attempt to make it all feel less awful they call it a celebration of life. I’m sure it is, sometimes, but Remus doesn’t like being celebrated.”

Sirius lets out an involuntary laugh before realising he maybe shouldn’t have done that, but Dorcas is smiling at him, so he relaxes a little bit as she continues speaking.

“Of course, everyone in town knows, the kids at the home and most of the families he brought together or put back together again, but he doesn’t think many people would come to his funeral. It was a small list he’s written out and doesn’t want a big deal.” Dorcas stops to think for a moment before scoffing and shaking her head “I think even as he was planning for this, he was thinking of the people he thought would want to be there, not who he wanted to be there. I don’t think he wants anyone there to mourn him other than me, Marls and Peter, even then he just knows he couldn’t do anything about it. Never wants a fuss about him. Stupid lanky lunatic”

“That sounds like Remus. He never used to realise how important he was to anyone. I hoped that after… after us, he’d learn how important he is to so many people” Sirius admits as their sandwiches are brought over.

“I don’t think he has, he’s one of those people that are just so wonderful everyone assumes they know how much they mean to everyone that they don’t stop to say it” Dorcas smiles back sadly.

Sirius’ heart breaks a little more in that moment because 1) he knows that Remus is going to his grave without knowing how important and loved he was and 2) because he’s only just realised that Dorcas is referring to him in present tense. It just reminds him that he was already doing this because he _wasn’t_ present in Remus’ life for the last 17 years, had already lost him in some capacity but this is all new for Dorcas and now he can’t look her in the eye.

“It’s the only thing I truly hate about him” Dorcas says sheepishly “I know I shouldn’t say that, but I just want to slap him and scream ‘ _You are loved you stupid bastard! You’ve changed so many lives so why are you sitting here acting as if no one gives a shit whether you live or die because **I do**!” _

Dorcas’ voice has raised significantly, and they are getting looks from other pub goers, but all of the looks are sad and understanding and Sirius hates them for a moment.

“He saved my life” Sirius whispers and he can hardly believe he’s saying it “I wouldn’t be here today without him and I never even thanked him for it. I didn’t deserve him”

“No, you didn’t” Dorcas agrees, Sirius smiles weakly at her because it’s true and she doesn’t bother coddling him over this “No one did really. He was too good to everyone and no one seemed to care.”

“How many people will be there tomorrow?” Sirius asks because he doesn’t really know what else to say.

“I’m not sure… maybe 20? There’s the five of us and then a couple of his colleagues will show as well as some people from town so maybe more like 30 but it’s tricky to say” Dorcas shrugs.

“I wish I’d known sooner; I could’ve got in touch with a couple of people from university” Sirius says but both of them know he doesn’t mean it, not really.

“I wish he’d had a Clarence moment” Dorcas mumbles and then she looks up, embarrassed before seeing the small smile on Sirius’ lips.

“Oh god he made me watch that at least four times every year” Sirius chuckles and shakes his head.

“Yes! I never got the appeal the first few times but it grows on you after a while” Dorcas laughs “Every time he swears he isn’t going to cry but then he’s sobbing away on the couch and mouthing alongside the words”

“Every time a bell rings, an angel gets his wings” Sirius quotes.

“Atta boy Clarence” Dorcas giggles and there’s a pause as both smiles fade from their faces, eyes become watery and both of them sniffle a bit.

“The only movie buff I’ve ever met who would rather watch Monsters Inc than American Psycho every day of the week” Sirius supplies, feeling the need to keep it light because Dorcas looks like she’s hanging on by a thread.

“Yeah?” Dorcas sounds hopeful as she wipes her eyes and nose roughly with a paper towel. Sirius has a feeling she knows what he’s talking about but carries on anyway.

“Yeah. He tried to join the film society back at uni but got kicked out after he tried to claim that Four Weddings and a Funeral was more culturally significant than Pulp Fiction. Came back with a bloody nose and a shit eating grin” Sirius laughs quietly in remembrance and Dorcas does too.

“He loves that film. Always watches it when he’s thinking of you” Dorcas’ eyes widen as if she hasn’t realised what she has said until she’s said it but it’s too late “I don’t think he knows that I can tell, but I can read that man like a book at this point.”

It doesn’t make a difference though; Sirius still feels like the air has been knocked out of him. He doesn’t want to know how often Remus watched it, how often he thought about him.

“We were watching that the first time I told him I loved him” Sirius chokes out. He doesn’t want to, but he feels Dorcas deserves at least something.

“I know”

Of course, she does.

“I’m not going to give you shit for it you know” Dorcas sounds sincere and that makes Sirius feel even worse “I can’t say the same for Marlene but by the looks of it, you blame yourself enough as it is”

Sirius doesn’t even try to say anything because he knows he can’t. Instead, he just stares at his untouched sandwich and tries and fails to blink back tears.

“I don’t know if this makes it better or worse, but he never hated you, you know. He was angry, sad and heartbroken for a long while, but he never hated you. Despite Marlene and Peter’s efforts. I thought he was cutting you too much slack for ages but that wasn’t it. Remus knew you’d fucked him over, he never denied that or pretended like you didn’t leave him high and dry when he needed you. But despite that? He understands”

Sirius can’t hold back the sob with that final blow because of course he did. Of _course_ Remus Lupin understood why Sirius had left even though Sirius himself didn’t really understand it.

“I’m sorry I just… I just needed to say-”

“Don’t apologise. Really… I need to hear it.” Sirius interrupts. Partly because it’s true, he does need to hear it. But it’s also because Dorcas looks like she needs to talk, and Sirius really wants to listen.

“He only told me about you when he found out you had come out to your family. I knew you existed of course, but he was always real vague about you at university. I used to worry about him, being in relationships with girls who wanted to keep it a secret was always horrible for me but Remus… He honestly didn’t seem to mind as long as he had you.”

That one feels like a punch in the gut.

“Well, you never really know with Remus, he was always so good at hiding when he was suffering. He only really let his guard down when it was… When we knew that…” Dorcas trails off and Sirius finds himself grabbing her hand across the table and squeezing it hard.

She takes a deep but shaky breath before continuing.

“I thought we had more time” She chokes out before bursting into soft sobs.

Sirius quickly scoots around to sit next to her in the booth and she crumbles into his arms, her tight black curls tickling his chin as she buries her face in his chest.

After a few minutes Dorcas shakes herself off but holds Sirius close by the arm so he can’t move back to where he was sat. He doesn’t really want to in all honesty.

“Sorry I don’t mean to unload on you like this it’s j-just… Marlene won’t talk about him because it hurts too much. She wants to just sort through everything and keep busy and I understand that but… I _can’t_ do that.” Dorcas looks up at him with almost childlike pleading in her eyes and Sirius can’t do anything but nod to show he understands “And then Pete… Pete’s in the States at the moment and can’t get back in time and I just know it’s killing him because he never would have gone if he knew… He’s M.I.A and won’t take my calls. Asha won’t tell me what’s going on and I just want him to be okay”

“And I’m so angry at the two of them. I shouldn’t be because we’re all hurting but neither of them ever really could handle the fact that he was sick, it upset them too much to think about, so I look after him when he needs it. I’m happy to do it, I’ll do anything for him, but it got so lonely and now… Now they still can’t handle it and I’m lonelier than I’ve ever been”

“You should tell them” Sirius says, and he can’t tell where this sudden wisdom has come from “They’re allowed to grieve in their way, but you are too. If you need them to be more present for you – tell them. If you’re anything like Rem, and I suspect you are, they probably have no idea how much you need them”

And then Dorcas looks up at him with those big brown eyes and Sirius knows exactly where the wisdom comes from and who he sounds like. Because for a moment she looks at him like he used to look at Remus when he’d come out with stuff like this.

They’re interrupted when a plump grey- and red-haired woman comes over to the table with a soft smile on her face.

“Can I get you both anything to drink? It’s on the house for you and your friend Dorky but on the one condition that you eat at least half your sandwich otherwise I’ll force it down you myself” The woman says sternly and Sirius bites back a smile at how motherly the woman is. Remus probably loved her.

“I promise Molly, I’ll eat up” Dorcas grumbles with a small smile before looking to Sirius “I don’t know about you but I say we skip the walk, have a couple of shots and a few pints.”

Sirius decides in that moment that he loves Dorcas Meadowes and nods in agreement as Molly bustles away to get them something stronger to drink. It’s a bittersweet moment as he realises for the umpteenth time in the last 12 hours how things could have been different if he hadn’t been such a coward. He would have been friends with Dorcas, he would be able to think of something helpful to say, be able to somehow relate to her grieving but he can’t. Not properly.

He slides back into the other side of the booth and they sit in a comfortable silence this time while they wait for their drinks.

As soon as the glasses are on the table both he and Dorcas down their shots and half their pints in one go before burping in unison and laughing sheepishly.

“The last couple of months Remus just sulked when we came in here. Molly wouldn’t let him drink but every couple of weeks Arthur would slip him hot Honey Lemons with a shot of whiskey in” Dorcas has a sad smile as she runs her finger around the top of the pint glass.

“His go to at uni was always an Old Fashioned. God awful drink but he swore by it. I gave him shit for it but he was always especially cuddly after a couple of those” Sirius smiles at her.

“He’s such an oddball” Dorcas is smiling too but then her eyes become watery again and her bottom lip begins to wobble slightly “Or I guess… he _was_ an oddball”

Sirius heart breaks all over again for this poor woman as she comes to the realisation. Sirius had selfishly been hoping she didn’t notice because yes, he didn’t really want to be an asshole who tries to tell her that she should be using past tense in the midst of her mourning, but also he quite likes talking about Remus as if he’s still there. For a moment he had let himself pretend in the very back of his mind that Remus is off on holiday or something. It’s futile of course, but at least it was there.

But now the sadness at the table has become suffocating and Sirius really doesn’t know what to say. So he doesn’t say anything. He takes Dorcas’ hand again and in this moment of grief Sirius swears he feels their souls fuse together.

Sirius is about to try his hand at saying something comforting when he sees a short blonde man staring at him funny from across the bar. The man looks around Sirius’ age and looks very tired and dishevelled with an equally tired and dishevelled little girl holding his hand next to him.

Dorcas must notice Sirius’ attention elsewhere because she peeks her head out the booth and lets out another loud sob. The blonde man’s expression softens when he sees her and he’s at the table in a flash, the little girl almost falling flat on her face at the sudden moment.

“Pete-” Dorcas starts as the man (Pete) takes the seat next to her and wraps Dorcas tightly in his arms.

“Shh Dorky, didn’t think I’d let you do this alone did’ya?” His tone is supposed to be light but Sirius can tell it’s taking everything that Pete has not to cry just now.

“How are you here?” Dorcas sobs out a laugh, pulling away briefly to hold Pete(r?)’s face in her hands. It’s the most genuine smile that

“I booked a flight the minute Marls called” Pete explains in Dorcas’ ear “Couldn’t get a direct one on such short notice so we’ve been travelling for two days”

Sirius turns to the girl who can’t be more than 7 years old and moves along in his seat so she can sit. She regards him cautiously before climbing into the space, surprising Sirius as she holds onto his jacket with one hand.

“Oh fu- heya Pop Rocket” Dorcas says as she notices the girl for the first time, reaching across te table to pinch her cheek lightly before turning to Peter again “Asha and the little one at home?”

“Asha couldn’t get away, I wasn’t going to bring Poppy, but she insisted” Peter says fondly as he gives his daughter a wink.

The girl just looks at the table, grip loosening on Sirius’ jacket and she looks so exhausted. Sirius wonders whether she’s had time to rest properly in the last 72 hours. When he looks up, he meets Peter’s cold stare and does his best to smile but he can’t tell it doesn’t meet his eyes.

“I’m Sirius, sorry we aren’t meeting under better circumstances” He extends his hand for Peter to shake and from the scoff the other man lets out Sirius knows that Peter is very aware of who he was.

“I know who you are” Peter says as he shakes Sirius’ hand.

“Pete don’t” Dorcas asserts and it’s less pleading than it is an order. Sirius is glad he has her on side because if she were also against him, he probably would have been turfed out of town the minute they pulled up at the house yesterday.

Peter looks between Dorcas and his daughter and seems to decide to drop it for now so as to not cause any more upset.

“How’s Marlene handling it?” Peter turns and begins talking to Dorcas. Sirius doesn’t feel like intruding so turns to Poppy instead who is looking up at him with round and tired eyes.

“You know my Uncle Rem?” The girl asks with wide eyes.

“I did, a long time ago” Sirius replies with his best attempt at a smile.

“Uncle Rem is my most favourite and my bestest person ever” Poppy’s eyes brighten as she speaks about him and Sirius wonders if she really understands what is happening. He almost hopes not but more than anything he feels guilty that he has the audacity to be here when Remus had made a family without him who will miss him in a way Sirius will never understand.

“He was my most favourite and my best once too” Is all Sirius can think to say and this makes the girl smile tiredly at him.

Poppy yawns and sniffles slightly before wriggling into Sirius’ lap and curling up into a ball and seemingly attempting to go to sleep. Sirius looks up apologetically at Peter, really hoping that this doesn’t make the man’s (justified) disdain for him any worse. To his surprise, Peter looks like he’s smiling at him. Well, not at him, at Poppy, but it feels close enough in that moment.

“She’s a strong little tyke” Peter says fondly “Takes after her dad”

“After her uncle more like” Dorcas elbows Peter gently in the ribs and they both smile sadly again.

There’s a silence as the adults try to figure out what’s an appropriate course of conversation with a kid at the table. As they sit awkwardly for a minute, Molly comes over to embrace Peter and fuss over Poppy. She scolds the girl’s father for not taking her somewhere to rest first before carrying Poppy (the woman is surprisingly strong it seems) into the back where she can have a proper sleep.

“She’s a sweet kid” Sirius says to break the silence.

“I know” Peter replies curtly, and Dorcas looks apologetically to Sirius.

“I deserve that” Sirius sighs and Peter looks a bit surprised by this for a moment.

Sirius doesn’t say much for the next hour, letting the two friends talk mostly between themselves. He guesses he really doesn’t have a lot to contribute. It’s not a purely selfless act though, he likes listening to the stories of other people with Remus. It hurts, of course it does, it aches, and Sirius doesn’t know how he’s going to manage at the funeral tomorrow but _fuck_ it’s good to know that Remus was loved. Its comforting to know that Sirius didn’t ruin Remus, that it sounds like up until the end he was just as selfless, sarcastic, and spectacular as ever.

“I just can’t believe he’s gone” Peter sighs sadly staring at the empty pint glass in front of him.

“The last thing he said to me was ‘Oh piss off Dorky, go home and have sexy sex with your sexy wife and leave me in peace’. Asshole.” Dorcas says with a noise that is a mixture of a laugh and a sob.

“For me it was ‘tell your wife I love her’ and then he hung up on me before I could call him a prick” Peter smiles at the memory.

Sirius doesn’t realise he’s saying anything until it’s too late to bite the words back “The last time I saw him he told me ‘I’ll love you until I take my final breath but I understand why you need to do this. Don’t be a stranger’… And then I fucking left him” Sirius growls the last part and doesn’t bother to wipe away the tears that are spilling down his cheeks.

He’s grateful that neither of his companions try to say anything comforting to this, that they don’t try to sugar coat it because he knows he was an asshole and doesn’t deserve it right now. He is surprised when he feels both of them take one of his hands in theirs and give it a small squeeze. Peter lets go immediately but Dorcas’ hand lingers for a moment before she excuses herself to the bathroom.

“Why are you here?” Peter asks “I think you owe it to him to tell me the truth right now”

Once again, Sirius is shocked by Remus’ friends’ bluntness and speed into these conversations but feels that Peter is right.

“I came to tell him I’m sorry” Sirius starts and then he realises that once he’s started talking he’s not going to be able to stop because Peter isn’t Remus but if he doesn’t get this out to someone then he thinks it might kill him “I came to tell him that I’ve thought about him everyday for the last seventeen years and that I still fucking love him because how can you not love Remus Lupin?”

“I came to tell him that I don’t deserve him, I never have. That he was an idiot for ever thinking that he was reaching with me because it’s clear to everyone that knows him that he’s as good as it gets. That I’m sorry for never telling him that he was my whole fucking sun and I just got too scared of living so close to it that I bolted. To tell him that I’m sorry, that I’m so sorry for all of the things we never spoke about and for all of the things I knew but was too cowardly to bring up with him.”

“I wanted him to yell at me, to kick and scream and let out all his frustration at the world at me because there is nothing, I wouldn’t have allowed him. I didn’t come to get him back; I didn’t come to just swan in and whisk him off in my arms before inevitably breaking his heart again. I don’t want you to think that. I came because if there was ever anyone who deserved more from this world it was Remus Lupin. I came because he deserved to know that I was sorry and to know that it was okay to hate me for what I did”

“And I get it if you don’t want me to be at the funeral, I won’t kick up a fuss or make your life difficult because I know that in the grand scheme of things I don’t deserve to be there. But I’d really like to be there, Dorcas doesn’t seem to think a lot of people will show up but he deserves to have as many people there as possible.” Sirius makes eye contact with Peter for the first time since he started talking and it was a mistake because the man looks like he’s about to cry.

“Fuck” Peter breathes and then laughs a little when he wipes his eyes “I guess I really don’t need to tell you what an arse you are then huh?”

Sirius smiles weakly and shakes his head slightly.

Peter looks like he’s about to say something else, but Dorcas comes back from the bathroom.

“I think I’m going to head home. I’m going to need my sleep for tomorrow” She yawns as Peter hands her coat over. He also needs to head off which is fair seeing the amount of travelling he has done.

Sirius watches as the two of them hug, whispering comfortingly into each other’s ears, crying and smiling sadly. Once more he finds himself wishing that he had met these people under the right circumstances.

He wishes he had got his head out of his arse sooner and let Remus introduce him to his friends, that he had shown him off the way he deserved to be and that he hadn’t fucking left. Not when he was 16 and not when he was 22. He wonders whether or not the tow of them would have got married, if (even with Remus’ health deteriorating) they would have adopted a kid together. Maybe all of them would have had game nights or Sunday roasts and maybe Peter’s kids would have got on with Harry. Sirius knows it doesn’t help to think about the what ifs, but _fuck_ are they all encompassing when you get going.

Sirius almost misses Dorcas giving him a tentative kiss on the cheek before taking her leave and saying she’ll see him tomorrow.

Sirius turns to Peter and isn’t really sure what he’s supposed to do.

“I guess I’ll see you tomorrow” Peter says eventually as he reaches out to shake Sirius’ hand.

“See you then” Sirius nods and with that Peter is turning and heading through to the back of the pub.

“I really loved him you know” Sirius calls out after him.

“I’m sure you did mate, and I don’t mean to be a dick when I say this,” Peter says only turning slightly and there’s a pre-emptive apology in his gaze as he speaks again “ but it’s too little too late”

* * *

Sirius and James are walking towards the crematorium (turns out Remus isn’t getting buried like he had assumed) wearing semi-smart jeans and a jumper that Remus always used to steal. It’s not black or a suit but in Sirius’ defence he was not expecting a funeral when he packed three days earlier. Besides, Sirius thinks that the Remus he knew wouldn’t have thought much of people wearing all black to his funeral, but Sirius isn’t sure he gets to make those assumptions anymore

The crematorium is a short drive out from town, one of the reasons Dorcas said she’s not convinced a lot of people will show up for it, and James has parked a five-minute walk away. Sirius was annoyed at first at the assumption he would need a walk to gear up and snapped a little at James. Now, he’s feeling a little bit guilty for snapping at James because, as ever, his brother is right, he needed this.

Now they stand at the gate and Sirius suddenly can’t move one foot in front of the other.

He sees Dorcas, Marlene, Peter, and Poppy standing outside the building and feels immediately more secure in his outfit choice. Dorcas is wearing a beautiful yellow dress (Remus’ favourite colour), both Marlene and Peter are sporting two of Remus’ favourite jumpers and Poppy is dressed equally as casually as the rest. Sirius wonders if Remus bought her the cardigan she is wearing, and the thought almost makes him double over in pain.

Because while it’s all well and good to fit a dress code, suddenly it’s all so real that it knocks the breath out of Sirius’ lungs.

“Pads?” James turns around to notice that Sirius hasn’t move and within a beat has his arms wrapped around him “Oh love, you can do this okay? If you need to leave at any point just say the word”

Sirius just nods and squeezes James tight before letting go and shaking himself off a little. The two of them walk over to the group and Poppy waves shyly at him from behind her dad’s leg. James immediately goes over to introduce himself to Peter and try to coax Poppy out of her shell. Fucking dads. Dorcas walks over to give Sirius a hug before gesturing with her head to indicate he should follow her.

They walk round to the side of the building and Dorcas offers him a cigarette.

“ _Fuck_ yes” Sirius groans and wastes no time in lighting up and taking a long hard drag. Dorcas giggles quietly before doing the same.

They smoke the first cigarette in silence but during their second Dorcas speaks.

“I really wish more people would show”

“How many did you invite?” Sirius asks.

“Proper invitations? Not many. But Marls put it up on facebook and sent a few emails to his co-workers at the care home” Dorcas sighs and they settle back into silence.

Sirius understands that she wishes there were more people to show up for Remus, and he doesn’t think he is far off when he guesses that the sentiment extends past just the funeral. From what he knows (again limited), people didn’t often show up for Remus. That was his thing. Remus always showed up for Sirius, for the kids at Carrow’s, for passers-by in the street.

Many more cigarettes, a little bit of small talk and 50 minutes later, Sirius is aware that they’re running late but no one has come to get them. The service was supposed to start 10 minutes ago but it’s not like there are many people waiting for them. Sirius also doesn’t really want to rush Dorcas. From what he’s gathered over the hell that has been the past 72 hours, Dorcas may have been the closest to Remus – definitely cared for him more towards the end of his life – but also the most obviously fragile. Maybe this odd protective instinct comes from the fact that she reminds him of himself when Reg died, just a lot less angry.

“Dorky?” Both of the smokers’ heads turn to see Marlene standing with watery eyes and a strange smile on her lips. She sounds out of breath but doesn’t look like she’s been running “It’s time. You want to see this”

Dorcas and Sirius exchange glances, Dorcas surprising both of the others when she grabs Sirius’ hand tightly and follows Marlene towards the entrance. Dorcas is on such a mission that she doesn’t seem to notice how full the car park seems. Sirius doesn’t remember that many cars being there when he arrived but doesn’t think much of it.

When they are at the double doors leading to the chapel, Marlene stops before opening it and kisses Dorcas deeply on the lips. Dorcas is still holding Sirius’ hand when Marlene pulls away. The taller woman smiles wetly at both of them.

“Take a deep breath okay?” She says as if she’d preparing them for something. Sirius takes a deep breath regardless though he’s a little bit frustrated that she’s smiling because this is the the worst day of his life and he isn’t really sure what she’d preparing them for beca-

And Marlene pushes open the doors.

Dorcas lets out a loud, uninhibited, and overwhelmed sob.

Sirius feels all the air knocked out of him at once.

The large hall is filled with people. Young and old, some wearing black, some wearing bright colours, there are families and there are people by themselves, some of them are familiar faces from university and Sirius thinks some might have been kids that were at Carrow’s all those years ago. Either way there must be at least 150 people crammed into the chapel like sardines and it’s all too much.

Dorcas has let go of his hand now and is fully sobbing, tears that are likely a strange mix of happiness, sorrow, guilt, anger, exhaustion and overwhelmed.

Because there is no way that Remus Lupin will ever know that this is just the tip of the iceberg of how many people cared about him. Remus Lupin will never know the extent of the lives he has changed, lives he has saved and the people that owe him more than they could ever put into words.

Because Remus Lupin didn’t get a Clarence, he didn’t get a George Bailey moment or a Wonderful Life. Remus never got to see what the world would have been like without him, let alone entertain the thought that the world was a far better place because he was in it. Sirius doesn’t want to imagine what a world like that would have been like and he knows that feeling is shared on some level with every single person in this room.

Because Remus Lupin was sunshine and moonlight, sweet and sour in all of the right places, intuitive and oblivious, and caring and selfless and so fucking good and so cunting perfect and he’s the _only one_ who didn’t know it. Sirius’ world has felt a little bit darker and duller since he walked away from Remus and it’s obvious from the suffocating cloud of grief in the crematorium that everyone’s world is a lot darker without Remus in it.

It’s in this moment when Sirius (who has historically been on the fence when it comes to deities) decides that there is no way that there are any gods in the sky. And even if they are up there, even if they are looking down right now, Sirius will never forgive them for this. There is plenty evidence that gods are cruel in the world, plenty of evidence of issues in the world that all powerful beings (should they exist) are neglectful and callous, but this is what pushes Sirius over the edge.

And maybe that’s selfish and self-centred for the death of an ex to be what it took for Sirius to go from agnostic to atheist, but who fucking cares. Not him. Because there is no explanation for taking an Earthly Angel from the face of the planet at the age of 38 when there are Demons walking amongst them in the form of Tom Riddle, Amycus Carrow and the list of people more deserving of an early grave is so long that it doesn’t bare thinking about.

Sirius is brought out of his thoughts by Peter, surprisingly, taking him by the hand and weaving through the crowd to the front pew. Sirius doesn’t want to sit at the front, he certainly hasn’t earned it and it is far too close to the coffin for him to be able to breathe properly, but he does. And Peter doesn’t let go of his hand this time.

Marlene is standing in front of a stand, looking just as starry eyed, miserable, and overwhelmed as the rest of them. But she takes a deep breath and steps up to the podium and taps her finger against the microphone.

“Hi everyone, this eulogy is going to be short and a bit of a mess because honestly, we were betting on at most twenty people showing up. Also, due to the surprise – it’s a lovely one considering the circumstances I promise – you will have to excuse a bit of foul language. This is just a warning but I’m sure many of you would agree that this funeral would not be complete without a little swearing. Those of you who knew Remus Lupin know he swore like a fucking sailor.”

There’s a low rumble of tentative laughter that echoes through the room.

Marlene clears her throat and begins.

“The world was not kind to Remus Lupin. His parents weren’t able to be there for him, he battled his way through the care system, was taken advantage of, mistreated and then diagnosed with cancer all by 28 years old. But none of that stopped Remus Lupin from being kind to the world. He made his own family; I consider myself one of the luckiest people in the world to be able to consider him as my brother. He went into social work and worked tirelessly to try and fix the system that failed him. He never lost his faith in people, though he more than anyone I know had plenty of reason to.”

“Some of you may know him from university and some of you from his childhood. Some of you know him from his work within the community and some of you know him through his work. I think that many of you would even thank him for bringing your own families together. I hope some of you were lucky enough to consider him a friend because I can assure you there is no higher testament of character than a Remus Lupin Stamp of Approval”

Marlene has to pause because her voice broke at the end of that sentence. The entire hall is silent, hanging on the end of her last sentence and patiently waiting for the next. The silence feels like it’s gone on for minutes when Marlene lifts her head and takes a deep breath. It seems as though everyone is leaning forward, those sitting literally on the edge of their seats, counting every breath and heartbeat before they get to hear what else Marlene has to say and the tension is unbearabl-

“Remus Lupin was a frustrating son of a bitch”

There’s a loud burst of laughter that echoes through the room at this and it takes a couple of minutes for the room to settle.

“Remus Lupin was a frustrating son of a bitch and we all adored him for it. He worked hard and loved harder. Sometimes he did both too hard but only to the benefit of others. Remus was bursting from the seams with love and understanding. He was patient and caring with almost everyone who he came across. The only person he did not treat with the same compassion, thoughtfulness and patience was himself.”

Marlene goes quiet again and all that is audible is the quiet sobbing of a number of people in the room. That seems to overwhelm Marlene because she lets out a sob into the microphone.

“Fuck… I’m so sorry. I just wish Remus could have seen how much he impacted everyone of us, I wish he could see right now that I was never exaggerating when I shook him by the shoulders and screamed in his face that he was _so fucking loved_ and appreciated but most of all I wish that he was here. I wish he was here making sarcastic comments and self-deprecating jokes and quoting stupid movies and boring books that I haven’t read or seen.”

“I could wax lyrical about the lanky cunt for hours on end, but I won’t. In part because we don’t have the time and because I think we all know how really special and one of a kind Remus Lupin was. I’m sure that your hearts are breaking as much as mine knowing that he was taken too early, and that he’ll never really know how much he meant to each and every one of us.”

There is a glum hum of agreement throughout the chapel.

“But before I hand over to Pete, I want to finish on a more positive note. One of the ways I’ve been rationalising this to myself for a while now is with the knowledge that Remus Lupin was too good for this world. Life tried time and time and time again to tear him down. It beat him, kicked him, spat on him and pulled the rug out beneath him more times than he could count but he never let any of it phase him”

Sirius knows Marlene doesn’t quite believe what she’s saying, that Remus _was_ affected by all of these things but it’s easier to say that it didn’t phase him that explain the complex coping mechanisms that were at work in his head.

“He was good to the very end, he was the best of us and gave the amount of love and energy to others in thirty-eight years than most of us do in ninety. It hurts now, I know that I’m never going to stop loving or missing him, and the world might feel a little less bright now that he’s not here. But fuck is it a better place because he _was_. I hope you all hang around after this, I don’t know if there is room for all of us at The Burrow but I hope you all have a chance to share memories and happy thoughts about him after this. It’s what he would have wanted because fuck knows the man hated any fuss being made about him.”

Another low rumble of laughter and choked sobs.

“That’s all I think I can manage to say for now, but I really want to-” Marlene’s voice breaks and when she next speaks her voice is thick with tears “I really want to thank all of you for taking the time to be here today. It means more than any of you can ever know”

On her way down from the podium, Marlene and Peter embrace tightly before Marlene takes her place next to Dorcas and Peter stands up to the microphone. Dorcas reaches across Marlene and squeezes his hand as Peter gives him a Look and Sirius doesn’t know what to expect next.

“I’m not a public speaker like Marlene, so I’m going to read someone else’s words for this one. It’s a bit of a cop out because it’s been done before, in a movie that I’m sure many of you have seen before, but I want to explain why I’m reading this poem.”

Peter shoots Sirius an apologetic look because Sirius is already crying again. He has an idea what is coming and he’s not sure he can handle it.

“At least three times any given year over the twenty years I knew Remus, I was forced to sit down and watch Four weddings and a Funeral. I’ve done the maths and it’s at least 60 times, which I always thought was far too many. Despite this the two of us would always end up in tears at the funeral scene. Sorry that I’m only admitting to crying now you’re gone mate” Peter speaks to the coffin and there is another quiet ripple of laughter. Peter turns back and his eyes fall on Sirius as he continues “but better late than never”

“Anyway, the point is this. In that scene, John Hannah reads this poem about his partner Gareth who has just died and Remus would always talk for half an hour about that scene when the movie had finished. He said it was so beautifully done, that the poem was so beautifully heart-breaking and showed so much love that Remus would never know how to express. Of course, he did know how, he just didn’t know he did. Remus told me on more than one occasion, only when under the influence of alcohol, that he wished that at his funeral he had a John Hannah who loved him like that to read such a poem.”

Sirius looks down at his lap because there’s nothing he can do to stop the sobs shaking his entire body at this point.

“He doesn’t have a partner or a John Hannah, but he has me. So I’m going to read it because there is more than one way to love someone and I loved Remus John Lupin in 99 of those ways and I think the words of this poem will hit home for many of you... Okay now I’m just stalling I’m sorry I’ll read it now. So here it is, Funeral Blues by W.H Auden.”

_“Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,_

_Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,_

_Silence the pianos and with muffled drum_

_Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.”_

_“Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead_

_Scribbling on the sky the message He is Dead._

_Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,_

_Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.”_

_“He was my North, my South, my East and West,_

_My working week and my Sunday rest,_

_My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;_

_I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong.”_

_“The stars are not wanted now; put out every one,_

_Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun,_

_Pour away the ocean and sweep up the woods;_

_For nothing now can ever come to any good.”_

* * *

Sirius doesn't know how he ends up beneath the old blossom tree in the church yard later that day, but he does. It makes sense that he would gravitate there he supposes. 

Sirius hasn't stopped thinking about the poem Peter read. The poem from _their_ film. His and Remus' that is. Because Sirius knows that in another timeline, he would have been the one reading that eulogy, sharing memories of John Hannah and reading that poem but Sirius didn't and Remus will never know... well, there is a lot of things Remus will never know. 

And one day (with the aid of a lot more therapy) Sirius will simply be grateful that he knew Remus at all, one day maybe he'll be able to have loved him without the guilt and one day Sirius might even find someone else. 

But right now? Sirius doesn't want anyone else. Sirius can't imagine feeling anything other than heartbroken and guilty and selfish. Sirius is broken (for now).

Because Sirius was too little too late.


End file.
